Shane Kroetsch

Dark and Introspective Fiction

life

I’m brOKen

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It’s been eleven months since I last posted any sort of update. Part of the reason is that I’ve had too much happening in my personal life to focus on the business of writing as much as I would like. The other part is that, even though I’m the writer, finding the words to express the drastic changes I have experienced since the beginning of the year isn’t easy. I’m finally going to give it my best shot.

This has been a year of letting go.

I let go of the belief that suffering is the best way to deal with a broken relationship. This led my marriage of seventeen and a half years to end in January. With the turn of two calendar pages, everything flipped upside down and inside out. Possessions were divided, the house sold. While the chaotic real estate market was navigated, I was grateful to have a roof over my head, but it wasn’t a home. That situation helped me to let go of pre-conceived concepts around what home and family means or must be.

This has been a year of holding on.

Holding onto the belief that living an authentic life, being open and honest, is the way. It makes a messy and complicated world lighter. It gives everyone around you permission to do the same. I’ve seen the harm the alternatives bring, both to myself, and the people I love. It’s been a year of holding onto my relationship with my boys, focusing on it in ways that I should have long ago. On good days I see hope growing out of the pain. Because it’s me, never being completely sure if it will last, but trying with every ounce of my being to make sure that it does.

I knew this year wouldn’t look anywhere near the same at the end as it did when it started, but there have been surprises. Then again, with two months left until we proclaim the arrival of a new year, I know the changes I’ve seen are only the beginning. Seeds are being planted. Work is happening in the background, slow and steady. I normally move at the speed of a runaway freight train, and there will always be a time to hustle, but I understand now better than ever how important balance is. It allows for the possibility of a future worth looking forward to. One last thing to hold onto, then.

Thank you for following along. Until next time, I hope you are well.

Shane

***

The “Why I’m So Tired” Update

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This is a bit of a long post for me, but it’s been a while, so I want to get everyone caught up and share some gratitude.

In October, I posted two episodes of Stories from the Dark to celebrate the spookiest of months, including a story titled The Devil that is exactly 666 words long. I also had an amazing opportunity to be interviewed on The Writers’ Block with Mike Deregowski. We talked all about how I love to scratch a pencil against a piece of yellow-lined paper to calm the voices in my head. It was made more special as it aired on Halloween morning. In case you missed it, you can find it on the Sound Sugar Radio website, look for episode 51. Thank you again, Mike!

November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which means ALL THE WRITING. This year I’m participating in an unofficial manner. That means no to-do list, no weird projects, only writing, plotting, and editing. I’ve teamed up with a few other members of the Alexandra Writers’ Centre Society in a sort of accountability group. The goal is not word count, but to write every day, and to support each other in the process. I’m only keeping up with one of these things, and even there I’m struggling.

I finished the first week at just under 8,000 words. Not bad. I’m already behind on my current work-in-progress, and now it’s looking like it will be shorter when finished than I hoped. These things are renting a lot of space in my head, which slows down the whole process even more. The current bright spot in my writing life is a short story I’m working on to submit to Pulp Kings Eight from Stray Books. So far, it’s come together quick, and the edit is going well. Good thing because the deadline is this Saturday.

Speaking of submitting stories, I have exciting news in that regard. Late last year, my story Identity was accepted for publication in WonderShift, the Alexandra Writers’ Centre Society’s 40th Anniversary Anthology.

This past Friday, I got to read Identity in front of a room full of actual people! I am beyond honoured to be included with many other talented local writers and poets. I speak about it as often as I can, but community in any creative endeavour is important. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at making these connections because I’m tired and cranky most of the time and would rather hide from the world, but I am grateful to be a part of this wonderful group, even in a small way.

Identity isn’t the only story I’ve had accepted recently. Lampblack Books put out a call for submissions earlier in the year for their new anthology, The Planchette Vol. 1, and my story Remember was accepted! The launch was postponed due to health restrictions, but I know the Lampblack team is working hard on getting the anthology ready for release. I’ll update as soon as I know more.

I understand how fortunate I am to have had these opportunities come my way this year, but they weren’t always my focus. When I started my writing journey, a huge part of my goal as a creative freight train was to show that anyone can do the things I do. We can all follow our dreams, even if the steps we take are small. The potential for this hit me hard at the WonderShift launch on Friday when I looked down at the book sale table,

Yes, so many amazing books by local authors and poets, plus, mine are there too. But that’s not all.

I started Pencil on Paper late in 2018 so I could publish my books. I had no idea what I was doing but was fortunate to have close friends that were able to help me bring my very specific visions to life. When I left my day job early in 2019, I convinced one of those friends, the one and only Kaleigh Kanary, to jump on board to help me grow the business and truly live our best creative lives. Wonder Twin powers, activate!

Nothing looks the same today as it did three years ago, that goes without saying. Out of all the bullshit and loss we’ve had to put up with, here’s something positive to focus on, something that inspires me more than I can put into words.

In the last three years, Kaleigh has created seven published or soon to be published book covers (shown in the picture above are Uncommon Grounds by The Espresso Poetry Collective, WonderShift, and the two with my name on them). She completed her Professional Editing Certificate from Mount Royal University and has, to date, finished five full book edits. She has designed websites, created all of PoP’s marketing materials, and a million social media posts. If asked, she’ll say she isn’t a poet. If you go to her website, kaleighkanary.com, you’ll see that she most certainly is. She is a testament to what throwing a middle finger up to what society says we should be, and following your heart, can look like.

I’m sharing this with you as more than an example of what is possible. I want to be very clear that while I am the dancing monkey in this publishing endeavour, the entity playing the organ is Pencil on Paper, and Pencil on Paper is a team. I am grateful to be Kaleigh’s business partner and proud to be her friend. This journey hasn’t always been easy, but I know when I look back it will have been worth it.

Thank you for following along. Until next time, I hope you are well.

Shane

Take Care

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I sit in the creaking nylon-web lawn chair and wrap both hands around my coffee mug. Arlo comes up beside and lays down on his blanket. I watch the ripples on the water flicker with the light of the rising sun. and the reflection of an eagle circling overhead, waiting for expanding rings on the surface.

I’m content. A feeling which has eluded me for too long. After months of Rayna telling me to take better care of myself, the proverbial straw broke like the earth splitting in two. That’s when everything changed.

It started at work. I got back from lunch a few minutes late. My boss pointed one of his passive-aggressive comments in my direction. I threw my notebook at him, then my chair. On my escorted walk to the front door, I blew a little kiss to the receptionist. Colour drained from her face. She knew that I knew, and now I didn’t have any reason to hide it.

With each step toward my car, I became lighter. The warmth from the sun soaked into my skin. I smiled for no reason. I exited the parking lot with the windows down and the stereo cranked. The immediate instinct was to turn right at the lights, like I had every weekday for the last seven years. Instead, I pushed down on the turn signal lever, and with the green, went in the opposite direction.

I drove backroads for hours, taking corners too fast for fun, not because I had somewhere to be. I’d wave to horses and moo at cows as I passed. At a three-way stop, I let the car idle and stared at the tinge of warm colour along the flat horizon. My phone buzzed in the cup holder.

The boys are getting together for a pint, you in?

I stared at the screen like the words were foreign. I swiped to open the messenger app.

I am.

Gravel spit and the back end kicked out as I turned in the intersection and pointed toward the city.

A spot opened in front of the pub as I drove up. My dust covered car stood out in the sea of shiny paint. Not that I cared. Inside, I headed to the back corner and the usual table. Raff raised his glass to me. Carter nodded. Jonathon didn’t notice me. He was telling a story about last night’s conquest.

At the end of the table, I took the glass out of Raff’s hand and poured the amber liquid over his head. As Jonathan’s story trailed off and his eyes went wide, I cracked his jaw. I shook my hand out and patted Carter on the back. “Find better friends.” The reactions of the people around me failed to register as I walked out the door.

By the time I pulled up at home, the sun was minutes away from setting. Rayna sat on the front steps with her arms crossed, and her lips pinched tight enough they disappeared.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Out with the guys.”

“Anything you want to tell me?”

I shrugged. “By the sounds of it, you already know.”

“How could you get fired? And why did you punch Jon?”

“Well, technically I quit. And Jonathon is a dick, I should have done it years ago.” I walked past her into the house. Arlo met me in the porch, doing his little dance and wagging his tail. Rayna followed along, nattering at me. Talked the whole way through me packing my bag and replacing my dress clothes with jeans and a t-shirt. On my way to the garage, I dropped my key fob and cell phone on the kitchen table. I pressed the button to open the big door and walked down to the cool concrete.

Rayna stood in the doorway. Arlo sat beside her with his ears perked. “I don’t understand what’s going on.”

I pulled the cover off dad’s old truck. I focused on how the dim light played off of the chrome and followed the swaying body lines. “I’m taking care of myself.”

“You’re ruining your life is what you’re doing.”

“Doesn’t feel that way to me.” I opened the passenger side of the truck, tossed my bag on the footwell, and patted my thigh. “Come on, Arlo.”

Arlo cocked his head, then bounded down the steps and up into the truck. Behind the wheel I flipped down the visor and a set of keys fell into my hand. I spread the ring out. One key for the ignition, one for the gas cap, and one for the cabin up north.

***

Photo by Haeden Kolb on Unsplash

***

Star Wars, Christmas, and a Touch of Book Depression

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December is historically a busy month, and this year was no exception. It didn’t help that I started a new job in October, and that meant no vacation days to take a break from the mayhem. I know, poor me…

A highlight for me was seeing Star Wars: The Last Jedi on opening night. It was a bit of a last-minute decision, I thought it would be tough to get tickets, little did I know that we would be sitting in a theatre less than a third full. While it may have been bad for the theatre (people really need to put more effort into supporting local businesses), it was good for this burnt out introvert.

True to form, I started blubbering as soon as the title screen started rolling. Don’t worry, nobody noticed. I think… Star Wars has been a part of my life for pretty much as long as I can remember, and as silly as it might be to some, it’s a pretty big deal for me. This being the end of the original story arc made it even more powerful. Plus, it introduced me to my new spirit animal (or droid, as the case may be).

Soon after, sleigh bells were ringing, and reindeer were flying. As odd as it may seem, Christmas Day was my only day of respite during the busy and stressful time. After the arrival of our first-born, we decided that the day would be just for us and the kids. No rushing through our morning and driving all over the country, only to sit in a cramped and noisy space wondering when if it was time to go home yet. Instead, we open presents, make a nice breakfast, and then relax for the rest of the day. It was wonderful, and Ruby the anxiety dog didn’t mind either.

New Year’s Eve was a long day. I had to head out of town on a last-minute trip for work. By the time I got home I’d covered almost 500 kilometres. I was beat, but we had plans. I walked in the door, got changed, and then it was time to walk back out again. As a family, we endured aluminum bleachers in slightly below freezing temperatures to watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks. I have to admit, it was pretty exciting.

After the show had concluded, we waited for the parking lot to clear, then stopped to pick up dinner (mmmm, Popeye’s) and went home for the rest of the night. My head hit the pillow at 12:11am. It was just enough for me to give 2019 the finger on its way out, and very nicely ask 2020 to take it easy on me. It’s been a tough year, but then, I believe a lot of you out there might understand that. Let’s just say, I’m done with it. I give up. I surrender.

Anyway, on to the books. That’s got to be better, right?

Right?

On December 8th I was a part of a “Meet the Author” day, hosted by Homegrown House + Pantry Inc in Airdrie. They are a champion of the “buy local” movement, and I was very proud to have been invited. It gave me the chance to catch up with other local authors, talk a little business, and get my ugly mug in front of potential customers.

The best part, we all got to do a reading that was live streamed on Facebook, an opportunity I’ve never had before! Of course, I chose to read one of my weirder stories. I always worry how they’re going to be taken but was pleasantly surprised at the end when I looked up and saw a lot of smiling faces staring back at me.

This, dear reader, is pretty much where the fun ends.

The process of writing and the business of publishing has been causing more hurt feelings than happy ones lately. The week before Christmas, something in my brain snapped. The hurt and the disappointment was too much, so I packed everything up and shoved it in a closet. I’m not kidding, books, marketing and reference materials, pencils, and note pads. I needed a break, and this was the only way I could make it work. Deep down, I knew it would be temporary. If I had been slightly less dramatic, that fact might have filtered down to the people around me. Unfortunately, it didn’t, and the act caused problems of its own. In the end though, I’m glad it happened. It only took a week before my mind started running again. Ideas for stories came, and the drive to get things done did as well. That being said, I could tell that the freight train that would normally be barreling down the tracks at full tilt had eased up a little. I seem to have found a slower, more reasonable gear. I want my deadlines to be more reasonable, and to be able to manage the workload without making me and the people around me miserable.

So, here’s what the next few months are going to look like. I’m going to work on being a better writer. Hopefully, these will help.

Instead of putting out a new short, short story compilation. I want to beef up the existing compilation and tweak the cover and format to make it the best it can be. I want to take a couple of my unpublished stories and set them aside for the purpose of submitting for publication. It’s not because I’m after exposure, but I honestly believe the process will help me DO BETTER.

The Storm series is still moving along, but I’ve pushed the first installment back to April. This will give us time to make the finished product as polished as our current skill set allows, and to test out some new promotion ideas. I hope you stay tuned for more.

That’s all for now, friends. Happy New Year! I wish the best of everything for you in the months to come. Here’s a spoopy ghost for no other reason than you’re wonderful.

Shane

Tattoo Fever and News About Books

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It’s been ten years since my last tattoo. I’m pretty particular, so it shouldn’t come as a shock that it took something pretty important for me to head in for a new one, or in this case, three things that made a huge impact on me this year. This is a bit of a long story. Hold on tight.

Initially the plan was to have each of the elements stand on their own. I had a hard time deciding where to place them and which one I would get first. That’s when the idea came to mash them all together. The image of a messy desk stuck in my brain, so I printed everything out and started ripping up paper. I reached out to an amazing local artist for a consult, and soon enough the appointment was booked. If you’re in Airdrie, I highly recommend checking out Danica with Human Kanvas. I gave her a couple scraps of paper and a lot of trust, and she gave me something to be proud of.

I talked about my plans and introduction to self-publishing last month. The process was stressful, but it showed me how wonderful it can be to spread your creative wings. With all of the good feelings still front and centre, I talked my best friend into helping me take my publishing company Pencil on Paper (insert hyperlink) and grow it into something more. Now we offer services to help writers bring their own dreams to life. It’s been a rollercoaster ride, and perhaps the tattoo was a little premature, but even if this goes no further it’s been one of the biggest experiences of my life, so that’s why the PoP logo is right up top.

Do better comes next. It became a near daily reminder that we all can do better, and it’s something we should all be aspiring to. It doesn’t matter how far along you think you are, how good you think you are, there’s always room to do better. While writing it out myself would make sense, I really wanted someone special to write it out for me. Long story short, because there’s a lot going on behind the scenes with this that I don’t feel it necessary to share, I reached out to an artist, singer-songwriter seems too simple a term, that I am a huge fan of. The idea came to me, and it was just crazy enough to give it a shot. You only live once, right? I reached out, and they graciously obliged. I still feel weird about it, because I’m weird and why wouldn’t I feel strange about asking a public figure for something?

So it goes is on the bottom. I typed it out on my 80-year-old Remington portable typewriter. Kurt Vonnegut wrote it originally, and used it to what I feel is great effect in his novel Slaughterhouse Five. The last two years have not been easy on a personal level. It’s been a time filled with loss and conflict, sometimes brought on by the very things that are supposed to bring happiness. We’re constantly put into situations to learn a lesson, but the path isn’t always easy. It’s up to meet the challenge, or not. Life gets in the way of your dreams. People leave. Hearts are broken. Nothing is forever. So it goes.

The finished product.

Now it’s time to talk about all the books that I made mention of last month.

The opening novella in The Storm series will be off to final edit in two weeks. Then it will be time to format the interior and finish up the cover. It seems rushed, and it is, but it’s necessary so that we have enough time to proof and order test copies before launch in February.

This time around I’m looking to try something new with distribution. I distributed This and That through Ingram Spark and have few complaints. The plan for The Storm is still bubbling away in my brain, but at the moment what I want is to launch the ebook on Kindle Unlimited, and print a limited run of paperbacks for local shows and give-aways.

As if there’s not enough going on, we’re also about to launch a new short, short story compilation. It’s titled More of the Other, and if it’s not apparent, is an add-on to This and That but Mostly the Other. Would you like a copy of the new compilation for free? I’m going to send the file to anyone who subscribes to blog notifications here. If that’s not your thing, click the contact link in the header or send me a message through Twitter or Facebook (scroll down for links) and tell me what your favourite story is from This and That, and I’ll still send it along to you. Haven’t read This and That but Mostly the Other? It’s available for only $0.99 on Kindle and Kobo! You can find the links here.

Until next time…


Shane